


England Two, Colombia Nil.

by steeleye



Series: It's Grim Up North. [26]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV), Kirsty MacColl
Genre: Gen, Humour, Non-Song Song-fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-14 04:35:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19265995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steeleye/pseuds/steeleye
Summary: “Everything was going fine,” Buffy's voice took on a sadder tone, “like I say he was funny and handsome and I could tell he was hung like a donkey...” It's another Buffy Summers dating disaster.





	England Two, Colombia Nil.

England Two, Colombia Nil.

By Steeleye.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or the song, 'England Two, Columbia Nil' which was written and performed by Kirsty MacColl, I write these stories for fun not profit.

 **Crossover:** Non-song, song fic.

 **Spelling, Punctuation, and Grammar:** Written in glorious UK-English (the original and best) which is different to US-English.

 **Timeline:** A story in the 'Grim Up North' series of stories.

 **Words:** One chapter of 2800 plus words. 

**Warnings:** None.

 **Summary:** “Everything was going fine,” Buffy's voice took on a sadder tone, “like I say he was funny and handsome and I could tell he was hung like a donkey...” It's another Buffy Summers dating disaster.

0=0=0=0

**Buffy's office, Slayer Central, Saltburn-by-the-Sea, Cleveland, England.**

Sitting at her desk in her office, Buffy stared at the screen of her computer without really seeing it. The screen was opened at her e-mails, as usual there were dozens of messengers all demanding the attention of the senior slayer... Now there was a word that made her feel every one of her twenty-eight years... _senior_. Each message would tell her that only she could solve some insurmountable crisis, or fight some evil, or just decide what colour the new changing rooms in the swimming pool should be. To be honest, today, Buffy didn't care less what colour anything was or whether the final apocalypse was waiting just over the horizon, today she simply wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out again...like ever!

The reason for these feelings of subterranean longing? It was quite easy really, it was a problem that had plagued her ever since she'd become the slayer. The previous night there had been, yet another, 'Buffy Summers Dating Disaster'; however, at least this time no one had died. Although in the cold, clear light of dawn, Buffy now wished she'd killed the lying bastard. Before last night the only guy she'd had any feelings towards, in the recent past anyway, had been killed by evil-alien-space-frogs before they'd even done more that share a drink. Adam had been tall and handsome and funny and as far as Buffy could tell _soooo_ not a demon or vampire. It had seemed to her that they'd been made for each other, like they both had dark secrets; she was The Slayer while he worked for Her Majesty’s Customs and Revenue. It was a match made in heaven, until the evil-alien-space-frogs turned up with their soldiers and started killing everyone. Of course Adam had been one of the first to die and what made it worse was he'd probably died because he was looking for her. As usual she’d gone off to fight the big bads, leaving her prospective boyfriend and possible life partner to fend for himself...which of course meant he'd died...horribly, in fact he'd died horribly-horribly; the evil-alien-space-frogs were _really_ unpleasant.

It was so unfair, Buffy told herself. It wasn't like she was a bad person, after all wasn't she the slayer, fighter of evil-alien-space-frogs and other unpleasant things? Didn't she deserve some happiness? It didn't help that all her friends and family were living happily ever after. Willow and Kennedy had tied the knot and now had the cutest baby girl in the world (at least that was how Willow referred to her daughter), Buffy wasn't so sure that baby Rosenberg was _the_ cutest kid in all the world, but it was probably best not to argue with the mega powerful witch. Even Xander wasn't dating a demon (as far as anyone knew). What was more Dawn and Faith were 'civil partnershiped' too, now there was something she'd never expected to hear herself say or think, Dawn and Faith... But Dawn was happy and it appeared that things were working out for the two young women. Even Giles had married his old flame, Olivia. If even Giles could find someone to marry why couldn't she find someone, anyone (who wasn't a vamp or a demon or an evil-alien-space-whatever) to share her life with. It wasn't as if she didn't have a lot of choice, Willow had turned her bi-sexual some time before, but so far it hadn't really worked out.

Sighing heavily, Buffy sat up straight in her expensive, and exceedingly comfy, leather office chair and looked at her computer screen again. Sitting there moping all day wasn't going to save the world from unspeakable evil. Reaching out she took hold of her mouse and clicked on the first message. It was a note from 'Bob the Builder', the contractor who was doing the refurbishment on the swimming pool; he wanted to know if she'd decided what colour the female changing rooms should be painted. After only a moment's thought Buffy decided on pale pink. Not very imaginative she knew but what-the-hell? It was only the girl's changing room it wasn't as if anyone had to live there. Sending her reply, Buffy was just about to click on the next message when her intercom buzzed at her. Letting go of her mouse Buffy pressed the button so she could talk to her PA.

“What is it, Makayla?” Buffy asked before releasing the call button.

“Miss Summers,” Makayla replied; the woman was in her mid-forties and tended to be quite formal, but she was also very efficient and Buffy hoped she'd be able to prevent this PA from leaving due to all the weirdness that happened around Slayer Central, “Miss Rosenberg is here to see you.”

“Oh goody!” Buffy smiled as she spoke into the intercom, “Send her right in please.”

“Of course, Miss Summers,” Makayla replied before the intercom went dead.

Screw the e-mails, Buffy told herself as she hid the screen, a visit from Willow was bound to cheer her up and despite appearances to the contrary, Buffy still needed cheering up. The sound of something crashing into her office door made her wince; she'd become quite attached to her office and it annoyed her when people made holes in the wall or shot balloons full of red paint in through the window. Standing up, she came out from behind her desk and rushed over to her door and pulled it open. There standing in the corridor was Willow struggling with a large stroller containing her very small daughter.

“Oh thanks Buffy,” Willow sighed with relief, “I still haven't got the hang of driving this thing, its harder than driving the Range Rover!”

“Yes I can see,” Buffy agreed as she looked pointedly at the scuff mark on her door where Willow had crashed into it.

“Ooops, sorry,” Willow smiled guiltily, she knew how 'office-proud' Buffy had become, “hey, Xander can fix that no problemo.”

“Come on in Will,” Buffy forced a smile, “and how are you and Junior?”

“Now the midnight feedings are done with an' I'm getting more sleep,” Willow brightened, “I'm feeling way happier...who would think something so small,” she gestured to her daughter, “could be so tiring...and good news Junior isn't 'Junior' any more!”

“You chose a name?” Buffy didn't add, 'at last' but she thought it, she indicated that Willow should join her in the 'conversation corner' of her office.

“Yeah,” Willow checked that baby Rosenberg was okay before she joined Buffy and sat down in one of the armchairs, “Kennie insisted...in fact she said there'd be no more sex until I did.”

“Good old Kennedy,” Buffy laughed, “always knows where to hit home. So, what did you call her...the baby not Kennedy.”

“Abigail Margaret...” Willow replied.

“Abigail's nice,” Buffy said slowly, “but 'Margaret' isn't very, you know, 'Jewish' or even 'Wiccan-ish'.”

“Tell you the truth,” Willow replied conspiratorially, “I got stuck for a second name so I opened a book of children's names and stuck a pin in the page. Took me three attempts to actually hit some thing!”

“Well done Will,” Buffy congratulated her friend, “now you'll be able to...” Buffy sniffed back a tear as the feelings of loneliness and despair overtook her, “...to...you know...” tears started to trickle down her face, “...oh Willow...” she sobbed, “...I'm sorry, I'm totally ruining your happy news, but...”

“Buffy!” Willow was out of her seat and kneeling next to Buffy's chair in an instant, she took hold of one of Buffy's hands and held it tightly, “What's wrong?”

“I'm so lonely, Will,” Buffy sniffed as she searched for a tissue to dry her eyes, “sometimes I think I'll never be happy like you and Kennedy or Dawn and Faith or even Giles and Olivia...”

“Hey,” Willow tried to find something supportive to say, “Xander's still unattached, you could marry him,” and failed dismally.

Getting up, Willow went over to Abigail's stroller and dug out a box of tissues from the huge bag that hung from the handlebars. Opening the box she passed it to Buffy before sitting back down in her chair.

“Another bad dating experience, huh?” Willow asked.

“Believe me when I say, uh-huh,” Buffy paused to blow her nose and dab at her eyes.

“Okay,” Willow sighed as she leant back in her seat, “tell Auntie Willow all about it...”

0=0=0=0

“I should never have let him kiss me,” Buffy began only to be interrupted by Willow.

“You let him kiss you?” Willow asked before adding a follow up question, “Before the date?”

“Yeah,” Buffy nodded, “it got me so excited...”

“Where did he kiss you?” Willow asked suspiciously, a look of concern on her face.

“On the lips,” Buffy replied innocently.

“That's your...” Willow gestured vaguely towards her own mouth, “...like...you know?”

“Of course on the lips,” Buffy gave her friend a puzzled frown, “where else would he kiss me?”

“I'm sure I wouldn't know,” Willow gave a little sigh of relief before saying, “go on, like what was his name?”

“His name isn't important,” Buffy replied darkly.

“Okay...” Willow paused for a moment, “...where did this kissing take place?”

“Like I said, on the mouth.”

“No,” Willow frowned as she wondered if Buffy was being deliberately dense, “I meant geographically.”

“Oh, in the Starbucks on the high-street,” Buffy explained.

“Okay...” Willow said slowly, “...you were in Starbuck's having a coffee and this guy just came up and kissed you, right?”

“No...” Buffy shrugged, “...not like that.”

“Then how?”

“Well, like the place was pretty full and he asked me if he could sit at my table,” Buffy explained, “we sorta got talking and he seemed so totally nice and funny and handsome and...”

“I think I get the picture,” Willow stopped Buffy before the Buffy-guy-babble could really get started, “so, what happened next?”

“Like, the next thing I knew was that it was three hours later and the table was groaning under the weight of like twenty coffee cups and I totally needed to pee!”

Although Willow smiled at this last comment, she was beginning to wonder if this 'guy' wasn't some sort of perception warping demon or a magic user of some kind who'd come to seduce Buffy for his own perverted and evil plans.

“So...?” Willow prompted as Buffy stared off out of her office window.

“He asked me to come out for a drink with him that night.”

“And you agreed?” Willow asked in much the same tone of voice that a mother would use to her teenage daughter who'd admitted to going out on a date with someone she'd not vetted, “Well,” Willow sighed heavily, “you're big enough and slayer enough to look after yourself I suppose...”

“I can tell you don't approve,” Buffy commented, “in fact you're starting to sound a lot like my mom.”

“Its the whole mom-thing, Buffy, having a kid makes you change the way you look at things.”

“Look, Will, I don't think you need to worry just yet,” Buffy smiled, “Abby won't be dating for quite some time.”

“Yeah I know, but I still worry,” Willow nodded, “so, where did you go?”

“The Prince Albert,” Buffy replied.

“That's the pub that looks out over Prince Albert Park, right?”

“Got it in one,” Buffy confirmed, “we had a couple of drinks and we watched the England-Columbia match on the big screen in the bar...”

When Buffy had been staying as one of Her Majesty's guests in Slade Prison (after being found guilty on totally bogus burglary charges) she'd played on the prisoner's football team and had sort of been bitten by the football bug. Her interest in football had grown ever since and she even played for a local ladies team, Saltburn Rovers.

“Yeah, go on,” Willow encouraged her friend to go on with her tale before she got distracted by a discussion about the merits of the English and Columbian teams.

“Everything was going fine,” Buffy's voice took on a sadder tone, “like I say he was funny and handsome and I could totally tell he was hung like a donkey...”

“BUFFY!?” Willow squealed, “Not in front of Abigail!”

“Sorry,” Buffy ducked her head before continuing with her story, “everything was going fine and I was wondering about inviting him back to my place when one of his friends came over to me...”

“One of his friends?” Willow wanted clarification.

“Yeah, like, The Prince Albert is where he and his friends drink after work.”

“Okay,” Willow nodded, “go on.”

“Like, that was when I learnt the truth,” Buffy sniffed and reached for another tissue.

“The truth...?” here it comes, Willow thought, this guy has to be some sort of demon.

“Yeah...” Buffy sniffed again and dabbed at the tears forming in her eyes.

“Come on Buffy out with it!” Willow thought she was sounding just like Giles now, “don't leave me hanging here, what truth?”

“It could have really ended badly, cause he very nearly had me,” Buffy sobbed, “if that guy hadn't taken pity on my heart full of desire, I'd have never have found out he was a serial liar.”

“A cereal liar?” Willow frowned for a moment before realising her mistake.

“Yeah,” Buffy replied not realising Willow's unintentional pun, “he lied about his job, he lied about his wife...”

“HIS WIFE!?” Willow cried making Abigail wake up.

“...he never mentioned his three children and the fact he had a wife...”

“The bastard!” Willow muttered darkly.

“I know I never mentioned my little secret...”

“Secret?”

“Me being the slayer, Will, keep up,” Buffy replied pointedly, “I never mentioned I was a vampire slayer, I mean its not the sorta thing you bring up on a first date, but I'm free and single and he's a lying git!”

“Buffy,” Willow nodded towards Abigail who'd settled down and gone back to sleep, “language.”

“Is it never in my nature to ever pick a winner,” Buffy paused to blow her noise, “I always pick a bastard who'd have me for his dinner...”

“Yeah,” Willow nodded sagely, “Spike, Angel...”

The mention of Angel brought an even darker look from Buffy; she still felt guilty about not killing the evil vampire, mass murder before she eventually had.

“But Riley was nice...” Willow said trying to be positive.

“Harper...” Buffy countered.

“Oh yeah...” Willow sighed, “...a twenty-five percent success rate in the boyfriend stakes is not of the good.”

“And it's only getting worse...” Buffy sighed sadly.

“Whatever,” Willow tried to sound up-beat but it was very difficult, “so what happened next.”

“I sorta stormed out, I didn't even wait for him to come back from the loo,” Buffy replied sadly, “I shoulda waited then beaten him to a pulp.”

“But you didn't right, coz that would have been bad?” Willow asked her friend.

“Something like that,” Buffy shrugged, “I just went home and cried into my pillow all night.”

“Oh poor Buffy,” Willow reached out and took hold of one of Buffy's hands, “but there's just one thing you've not told me...”

“What's that?”

“What was the score, of the match I mean?”

“England two, Columbia nil,” Buffy sighed, “and I know just how those Colombians feel...”

0=0=0=0

Staying until Buffy had stopped crying, Willow eventually had to leave. As she pushed Abigail's stroller towards where she'd left her and Kennedy's Range Rover in the car park, she couldn't help think that the Fates were being more than a little unkind to Buffy and that maybe she should do something to even the odds a little. Of course she wouldn't do anything without talking it over with Kennedy first. These days she wasn't Little-Miss-Impulsive-Witch any more, she thought about consequences nowadays and didn't just do stuff because she thought it would make things better. Everyone could see how well that approach to magic had worked out.

No, Willow told herself, if it didn't upset the balance of the universe, why shouldn't Buffy have someone to love her in more than a sororal way (Willow being Willow had already decided that Buffy's soul-mate would be another woman). Buffy was good, and kind, and loyal and always did the right thing. Willow then saw how her plan would fall apart, doing the right thing wasn't always the best thing where relationships were concerned so any Buffy-partner would need to be mega understanding.

Frowning as she loaded Abigail into the Range Rover and put her stroller into the back of the vehicle, Willow once again reminded herself to do nothing before talking to Kennedy. Maybe she knew someone who'd be suitable. With a smile on her lips, Willow climbed in behind the steering wheel and drove off not knowing that the Fates were already laughing at her plans.

The End.

Watch Kirsty McCall sing 'England 2, Columbia 0' by highlighting and right clicking on the link below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7vsoVR5NX4


End file.
